(Source: howareyadoing)


(Source: mzlle-punzi)


Conversation with God

i was walking when my skin suddenly felt really clogged, like i haven’t been drinking enough water lately. i began concentrating on whatever else my body wanted to tell me when God asked me “How is it you tell when your body lacks nutrients but didn’t even notice when i began slipping away?” ouch. #backOnTrackNow #hooray for #mentalSanity #restoration 



ive been lying awake for hours and just cant seem to sleep at all so far. it seems like every minute im either subcontiously dying to be in the same bed as my Edward, watching him sleep soundly even. just to feel his warmth, know his breath, and feel completely safe in his presence. This burning desire for the constant love he supplies me makes me wonder now why at all am i going to lunch tomorrow. I should be running out to sign up for a chastity club while i wait for my FATH, my one and only. But i’ve already diggen into this grave and hey, he’s a nice kid. Too bad i’m gonna take advantage of him, but hes going to absolutely love it. Shit. something i never thought about. what am i gonna do when i come back from all year. Be with Bryan i suppose i assumed, but that’ll be devastating to ‘Jacob’. shit….No, don’t look back now. Because in the middle of the nigt, all night long there’s only one i yearn for. and that’s not Noah. Well in his own words- “better have fun while we can”


Mr. Perfect

So i kissed Noah today. Sorry, but i just wanted to know what it was like. I also kissed Bryan today after that, but nbd- old news there. However, hes getting better, poor kid; and tasted like cherry coke. *Note to self: kiss guys just after drinking: Delicious, Am i ever gonna find him? The best kiss i ever had was Nico; But claiming him is a never. Do boys just not really kiss like they do in the movies? Today it’s all half-second pecks? Not me. Where am i gonna find the guy who loves me unconditionally. Where am i gonna find a Bryan without the parental issues and can actually kiss without me having to train him? and preferably goes to the same school as me? Does he exist? I think i read fairy tales too much. I just need a guy i can walk into my high school reunion with and all the girls grow envious of his looks. and return to the 50th year reunion and the girls still are envious now because of how in love with me he still is. and a guy who worships. Fully surrendered. When i tried to make out with B today he was so worried about his parents finding out he wouldn’t. where did i go wrong? i fell in love with the careless popular cool guy. Not this. 



There are more nerve cells in your brain than people on the planet. And they all work together. What if all us humans worked together like the cells of one brain? Now THAT would be I.AM.YOU.


finally me

it’s 4 am and i can’t sleep. haven’t been sleeping for the past 3 hours actually, but nothing is a coincidence. This insombnia (or however you spell it) has ignited some thinking. Reflection. Now that i’m out of highschool, life is going by so fast. i’m on vacation next week and youth camp after that, and somewhere in there i’m visiting GCU, and come august i’m moving to Arizona. Life has been moving me like a flat escalator belt from the airports or something. You can be standing completely still in your self, but life keeps whirling by around you. Being the ambitious goal setter i am, i’ll never forgive myself if i don’t keep my head on the ambitious path = buckle in and do well in school, don’t ever change my major, buy a house right out of college, become independent financially ASAP. Learn to stand on my own two feet, like i’ve always wanted to. Life moving this fast seems impossible. Illegal. But that’s life for ya. I guess. And for the past 3 months i’ve been struggling with a mind set decision- hold on to who i’ve been, keep a part of me wrapped up in what i’ve known for the last 18 years of my life or to let go, and completely move forward. Obviously, i don’t want to stop communicating with old friends or anything, but moving on means starting over. My second chance. College. See, i’m not scared, like people keep asking me. This is my chance. Now that i’ve gained 18 years of wisedom and experience from the life i’ve been blessed with, college is my chance for a brand new start to life. I can be anybody that i want to be, nobody that i’m forced to be, which is why it’s so important that now that i’m making my own decisions that i make them in mind that my decisions make up the new person or reflect the old. I wouldn’t trade the life i’ve lived for anything, but i wouldn’t live it over again for anything either. and i certainly don’t want my past hitch hiking with me for the rest of my life. A brand new start for me. A brand new person. I just feel bad for anybody who actually thinks they know me already, because the real me is just now starting to shine out. And sorry dad, but i think i’ll get a tattoo. A butterfly, it’s either that or a bear. I’m coming out of hibernation, out of my cocoon. I’ll be new, i’ll different, don’t fight it. Cause i’ll finally be me.


I hate my life. I want to die. Again. How many times has it been in like the last month? Wow. I’m a sad poor unfortunate soul. Legit. I really am seriously crushing on Bryan. I refuse to like him becuase i don’t wanna be hurt again. But still, i am hurting. Not cause of him. This is a different kind of hurt. His mom told him not to get involved with me cause i’m weird. Do you have any clue how bad that hurts? It’s middle school all over again. I wasted the first five years of my life on this case with dudek. Not ever happening again. This is so pathetic. I hate my life. I haven’t cut myself for probably a month. Well i guess i’m due. Wow…i won’t live this life again. I won’t

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