My dad has always been my dad and i grew up living and breathing to impress him. After i got a little older i distanced myself from both my parents, but i always knew in my heart that my dad was always my hero. My mom always talks about him like the savior of the universe and he always became more important to me. I never wanted to hurt him. We didn’t always agree sometimes, and i really thought that when i began to see things his way, or to attempt and get along with him that i was suddenly becoming way more mature. I thought that finally i was growing into a mature adult for agreeing with my parents. But lately, it doesn’t matter where my loyalty lies, he has been disagreeing with me on every point for which seems no other reason other than to yell at somebody. I poured my heart and soul into what he means to me and he criticized the words i wrote for him. I’ll bet he really didn’t even care to read it. Whenever Bryson’s around, mom begins to adapt to him and always yells at me, she grows a little more selfish. When this process takes place, i begin to long for the moments i have with my dad so that finally i’ll be understood, and won’t get in trouble so much. Someone will finally take my side in these arguments. But recently, it doesn’t matter what the situation is- he’s not on my side anymore. A few weeks ago my dad lectured me about not watching the DVD given to the leads, and basically not being prepared for rehearsal. After that i studied the movie; wrote down all my blocking, noted my script- i was very prepared. But when we finally get to rehearsal i guess i over stepped my boundaries. I knew all too well …well everything. I wanted to teach Marius and everyone Eponine interacted with as much as i knew. I really wanted to impress Dad since i was hyper off coffee tonight and really didn’t want to get yelled at. I put my best foot forward and he bit it off, raw and bloody. My heart’s quite wounded. Nobody else in rehearsal bothered to watch, i’ll bet. Nobody else bothered to play director and cared to know their blocking before it’s taught. So what’d i do wrong? I studied, i learned, i knew, i did my part. I did what he asked and more. I voiced my opinions too loud? I apologize for speaking my mind-it’s called ethics. Later i worked with Barbra on my placement, and after she attempting to drag energy out of me she stopped and asked me “Where’s your passion?” I responded ” I don’t know, maybe music, theatre, friends, reading…” “No, i mean you’ve waited your whole life for this part. This is your dream role, remember?” she replied. I understood and saught out where that passion used to be. I found that passion, that dream i used to have; it was bleeding, it was hurt, it was abused, suffering as if someone had jumped it, raped it, shot it a few times and left it there for dead. The depths of my heart were hurt. Are hurt. Barbra gave me a half hour therapy session about how what my Dad’s going through, and the stress he’s under isn’t my fault. That yes, he vented on me and it’s only cause i’m his kid, but how i need to get back to playing Eponine. It wasn’t enough to make me cry, but i would have if i wanted to enough. I hate crying. And him taking something out on anyone, is both selfish and immature. Kinda like Kevin breaking up with me; selfish and immature. Idk why i let myself trust men; i always end up with a few more scars and bruises than i’d intended. Unfortunately, i can’t trust my own father anymore, apparently. When a daughter can’t trust her father anymore, life shouldn’t proceed. It must, though, and it will. Life must go on. Idk how i can change to make this all work out. I am me, and i don’t want to change. I know that who i am and what i believe is right. I’m not perfect, but at least i try to be.
On an opposite note: what is Quinton’s problem with me? It was a bit uncalled for for him to say “Where’s Alex?” when he working with me. Sure, i don’t know him so things are still slightly awkward around him and i, but that comment was unneccessary. How’s that supposed to make me feel? Am i not pretty enough, good enough, too bitchy, too slutty, too young, too immature, too fat to be his Eponine? Idk. But that alone hurt as well. Idk what i did but try to get to know him better. Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe he hates me. That’s not my problem. I just want to get to know the guy. Apparently, i don’t anymore. I don’t care. I don’t really care about anything anymore. I don’t feel like dying either though. I feel like… like getting high i suppose. Not in the way that i’m depressed and i want to feel good, but that i just don’t want to feel the bad anymore. My father’s new found view of me and how he treats me is a piercing feeling. Family is supposed to be there for you no matter what. My brother got up one day and left. He was my hero and he abandoned me. Heart broken. Who’s left? Mom and Dad. I tried to get closer to mom. That went horribly. And when i broke down crying over my soiled relationship with my mom, Daddy held me. Daddy held me when Nick Dudek, when Kevin Nguyen and when mommy broke my heart. Well right now my daddy’s breaking my heart. Who’s here to hold me now? nobody. Nobody’s here for me